My life has changed so much over the past year and a half. But before I get into that, let me give you a little background information. For those of you that don't know me, I grew up in southwest Nebraska in a little tiny of about 625 people. After graduating from high school, I went off to a Christian college in Northwest Iowa. After finishing one year there, I decided it was too expensive to go back so I looked into different colleges that were closer to home and not nearly as expensive. I decided on Chadron State College but after being there for only a week I found myself miserable so I called my parents, and they came and got me. One semester later I was starting school at Western Nebraska Community College in Scottsbluff. One year later I met a man online who turned my world upside down. In hindsight, the relationship was horrible from the beginning, but I was so young and inexperienced with men that I got sucked in. By the end of that year (2006) we were married. A little over nine months later Jabin arrived. From the beginning Jabin has been my joy and pride of life, but caring for him has also been challenging since we found out he has developmental delays. It can be very challenging for both of us sometimes, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. He can be very ornery, but he can also be very loving.
Anyway, after many years of some ups, but mostly downs, I decided it was time to leave my husband for good. So.. I packed up my car with my stuff and what I could fit in there, and Jabin and I moved back to Nebraska and away from Louisiana and Jon Paul's family. That was almost exactly a year and a half ago. We (Jabin and I) moved back in with my parents until I could get back on my feet. I got a job at the local grade school as a teacher's aide which I really like. I love the people I work with, but I also really like working in the same school where Jabin is going to school. Jon Paul and I were on and off for about 10 months before my mission trip to Mexico in May of last year. While I Mexico my life flipped even more upside down. I came to the conclusion that my relationship with Jon Paul was hindering both of us. I was miserable all the time and by staying with him I was giving him permission to not grow up.
A little over two months later, he filed for divorce since I didn't have the money at the time. About a week later, we had a huge argument that occurred after his visitation. Since then the relationship between the two of us has quickly become hostile. He would call me a dozen times a day and harass me. He sent me mean text messages. He has lied about me to the court. I have learned over the past six months how to refrain from lashing back at him. I try to remind myself that the problem is not me, but him. I do want him to be happy, but my main concern is my son's safety and well-being. He has done nothing but harass me over the past six months.
The amazing thing about this whole situation is that through it all I still have peace, for the most part. I am learning to really trust God with everything and leave Jabin in His hands. That is the hardest thing for me, especially since Jabin came back from his last visit with his dad with a black eye. I keep reminding myself of the verses in Philippians 4 about peace and trying to do the right thing. I know God is working in this situation because I can feel it. I am just trying to remind myself to be patient. Patience isn't something I've been very good with. In fact, my lack of patience has caused me a lot of grief over the years. Maybe God is teaching me patience, also. I guess some day I will find out.
So... I've been a single mom for a year and a half. It's been a crazy journey; one I never saw myself facing, but I've made it thus far and plan on making it a lot farther. My son means the world to me, and I wouldn't trade him for anything.... no matter HOW ornery he gets.
February 2, 2013
May 9, 2011
Happy Mother's Day!
I know this is a day late, but I really didn't get much of a chance to even get online yesterday.
I had been thinking about what I wanted to say about my mom, and.. frankly, I think I will just let it flow.
I won't say my mom has always been my best friend, but I will say that my mom has ALWAYS been there for me when I needed somebody to talk to. She may be biased in her opions, but she always listens to me no matter what. My mom has been the one I called when I put my car in the ditch because I was going too fast on snowy roads, or when I needed to vent about a job, or worried about something during a pregnancy, or when I was having problems in my marriage. I won't say she always gave her unbiased opinion because... she's my mom. She is going to side with me on whatever, simply because she loves me and wants what is best for me. My mom has faced a lot of hard things in her life. her health has not been very good for as long as I can remember yet she is constantly making sacrifices for those she loves. She has also blossomed over the past few years into a wonderful woman. She is more confident, more outgoing, and just seems to be happier in general. I am very happy for my mom and the triumphs she has had in the past few years.
This Mother's day weekend was pretty hard for me. I think it is the hardest one I have faced yet since becoming a mother... But then again, it's the first one I've celebrated away from her since Jabin was born. I have to admit, I was really missing my family this weekend, but I understand that I am where I am supposed to be... no matter how difficult it is and can be. I am very thankful though that I have such great in-laws, especially my mother-in-law who seems to love me almost like her own daughter. She has taken me under her wing and cared for me and listened to me when I needed somebody to talk to. She let me stay at her house when I needed a break from home. I have been so blessed with such a wonderful woman as my mother-in-law. I know not all women are "lucky" enough to get a mother-in-law they like, let alone one they actually like to hang out with.
Anyway... so to all you mothers out there... whether you had a child biologically, adopted a child, fostered a child or just helped raise a child.... because, as they used to say, it takes a village to raise a child.... HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY! I hope you had an extremely blessed day.
I had been thinking about what I wanted to say about my mom, and.. frankly, I think I will just let it flow.
I won't say my mom has always been my best friend, but I will say that my mom has ALWAYS been there for me when I needed somebody to talk to. She may be biased in her opions, but she always listens to me no matter what. My mom has been the one I called when I put my car in the ditch because I was going too fast on snowy roads, or when I needed to vent about a job, or worried about something during a pregnancy, or when I was having problems in my marriage. I won't say she always gave her unbiased opinion because... she's my mom. She is going to side with me on whatever, simply because she loves me and wants what is best for me. My mom has faced a lot of hard things in her life. her health has not been very good for as long as I can remember yet she is constantly making sacrifices for those she loves. She has also blossomed over the past few years into a wonderful woman. She is more confident, more outgoing, and just seems to be happier in general. I am very happy for my mom and the triumphs she has had in the past few years.
This Mother's day weekend was pretty hard for me. I think it is the hardest one I have faced yet since becoming a mother... But then again, it's the first one I've celebrated away from her since Jabin was born. I have to admit, I was really missing my family this weekend, but I understand that I am where I am supposed to be... no matter how difficult it is and can be. I am very thankful though that I have such great in-laws, especially my mother-in-law who seems to love me almost like her own daughter. She has taken me under her wing and cared for me and listened to me when I needed somebody to talk to. She let me stay at her house when I needed a break from home. I have been so blessed with such a wonderful woman as my mother-in-law. I know not all women are "lucky" enough to get a mother-in-law they like, let alone one they actually like to hang out with.
Anyway... so to all you mothers out there... whether you had a child biologically, adopted a child, fostered a child or just helped raise a child.... because, as they used to say, it takes a village to raise a child.... HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY! I hope you had an extremely blessed day.
May 6, 2011
Reflections and Contemplations
I have been thinking the last two days a lot about what I posted the other day. I realize there are a lot of people, women especially, who feel the way I do. We have so many ways to keep in touch with people these days yet we are often still very lonely. I wonder if maybe these may be the loneliest times yet. We get so caught up in the quantity of communications with other people that we entirely neglect quality communication. How many people can say they have somebody they can truly talk to, a best friend? Kind of like a soul mate, but... not. Like a blood brother/sister used to be. I had a "best" friend in high school, but... I never really felt special. I always felt second-best. I hate how, it seems, everybody is afraid to expose themselves to other people. One thing I haven't (usually) had a problem with is opening up to other people about how I feel. Most people aren't like that though, or at least not in my experience. Maybe we should focus more on REALLY talking with other people than just making casual conversation. Pick ONE person to get to know better and see where it leads you. I think we would all be a lot happier if we did that. I realized that social media sites like Facebook tend to suck people in. We (I included) could stare at the computer screen for hours waiting for somebody to post a new status update, yet I RARELY talked to people on Facebook, and the longer I went without really talking to people, the less I really had a desire to do it. It was like "I really want to talk to somebody, but I don't know what to say" so I wouldn't do it. We can always talk ourselves OUT of doing something because "I don't think it's right for me" or "I'm not sure I'm called to do it" or "It's not my gift". I am talking to myself as well as everybody else. I got so sucked into Facebook that I was neglecting a lot of other things, and relationships. I guess my assignment for us all this week is to pick one person to share yourself with and get to know them better, and it can't be your significant other (though we should do that with them too). Reach out to somebody. I'll have to think on this one a little bit since I'm in a completely new state and don't know many people. I want you all to keep me accountable.
May 4, 2011
Failure
I have discovered something about myself in the past 24 hours. I have found that I am not a failure, but a quitter. I don't fail at things because I don't even attempt them. That, in itself, is probably the worst form of failure. I have been so afraid of failing at life that I haven't even attempted to live it. My life is so full of fears that my life is pretty miserable sometimes. I'm so afraid of offending someone or trying something new that I just stay in my little bubble time and time again. I don't reach out to other people because I am afraid of being rejected. I don't attempt to please my husband because I am so afraid of disappointing him time and time again. I am a horrible housekeeper and not a very good wife most of the time because I am afraid of failure. I see simple tasks as overwhelming obstacles. God used Jon Paul to reveal these things to me last night. I know I have some good friends who care about me back in Nebraska. I am just frustrated because I honestly feel like I am not valuable enough to them for them to send me an email or text message or call me. Jon Paul told me this morning that people don't call each other anymore. I told him that's fine with me, but how come they don't email me or text me either. People really need to notify that person when they are thinking about them. They never know when that person could really use the confidence and morale boost. My confidence is still almost non-existent, but I am determined that I will keep striving to do what I know I need to do for myself, for my husband, my family and ultimately for God. I am tired of the devil telling me I am a failure. I am tired of all the negative self-talk he puts into my head. I want to spend more time with God and less time listening to Satan. I have decided to give up Facebook for an undetermined amount of time because I depend way too much on it to fulfill me. It makes me sad, but it also gives me a sense of peace that now I will be able to move past my current situation. I am hoping that my friends will still keep in touch with me, but at this point in my life, I guess it doesn't really matter. I guess I find this my way of weeding out the people who... well... I'm not sure how to put it. I don't want to say it's my way of weeding out the people who don't care about me, but that kind of seems to be the way I feel. If anybody wants my email address comment below.
This song fits well with how I feel right now:
What Faith Can Do by Kutless
This song fits well with how I feel right now:
What Faith Can Do by Kutless
October 27, 2010
Humility
So this "week" the character trait I have been reading about is humility. The authors talk about how pride comes across differently in different people. False humility is considered pride. Putting yourself down is considered pride. I've never really had a problem with pride as we normally see it, but I have had a lot of problems in my past with false humility and putting myself down. I tend to think that nobody really likes me and that people are talking bad about me, etc. In reality, that's pride. By putting the focus on myself, I am being prideful. Who am I to think that people are talking or thinking about me? Am I really that important that people would take the time to pay attention to me?
The book also talks about how we need to have the right perspective of God. God is holy and perfect and more than we can comprehend. We need to remind ourselves of that so we don't get a big ego. The book talks about having a balance. You don't want to be too prideful, thinking "Look at me" or "look at what I have done" yet you also don't want to be thinking "Woe is me".
The key verses used for this week were from Philippians 2:3-8:
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God,
did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself
and became obedient to death— even death on a cross!
My Action plans for this week are:
I will worship God. I will turn more events of my day into a prayer so that he will increase and I will decrease. I will include God in my thoughts while driving, walking, working, chatting with someone, or watching television. I will acknowledge his great power by talking to him about my worry, fear, anger, frustration, and anxiety, as well as my delight and cheer!
I will study God. I will dive deep into exploring who God is. I will do this through studying his names, his character traits, and his love toward me in Scripture.
I will not tear myself down. I will see my attitude of worthlessness for what it is -- pride. I will replace my negative self-talk with thanks to God for hwo he has made me.
I will obey God in an area in which I have been holding back. Instead of saying "that's just the way I am," I will work on areas -- with the power of the Holy Spirit -- in which I am offensive, irritating, hurtful, selfish, or out of control.
I will be an encourager. I will stop comparing myself to others, and instead turn my attention to others and freely give genuine compliments. I will not be judgmental. I will replace my tendency to be harsh, opinionated, and critical, with words and acts of kindness, affirmation, and understanding.
I will be a helper. I will get my eyes off myself, especially if I am going through a difficult time. I will look for ways to turn my attention outward and be a help to someone else. I will shift the balance from being more of a taker to being more of a giver.
The book also talks about how we need to have the right perspective of God. God is holy and perfect and more than we can comprehend. We need to remind ourselves of that so we don't get a big ego. The book talks about having a balance. You don't want to be too prideful, thinking "Look at me" or "look at what I have done" yet you also don't want to be thinking "Woe is me".
The key verses used for this week were from Philippians 2:3-8:
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God,
did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself
and became obedient to death— even death on a cross!
My Action plans for this week are:
I will worship God. I will turn more events of my day into a prayer so that he will increase and I will decrease. I will include God in my thoughts while driving, walking, working, chatting with someone, or watching television. I will acknowledge his great power by talking to him about my worry, fear, anger, frustration, and anxiety, as well as my delight and cheer!
I will study God. I will dive deep into exploring who God is. I will do this through studying his names, his character traits, and his love toward me in Scripture.
I will not tear myself down. I will see my attitude of worthlessness for what it is -- pride. I will replace my negative self-talk with thanks to God for hwo he has made me.
I will obey God in an area in which I have been holding back. Instead of saying "that's just the way I am," I will work on areas -- with the power of the Holy Spirit -- in which I am offensive, irritating, hurtful, selfish, or out of control.
I will be an encourager. I will stop comparing myself to others, and instead turn my attention to others and freely give genuine compliments. I will not be judgmental. I will replace my tendency to be harsh, opinionated, and critical, with words and acts of kindness, affirmation, and understanding.
I will be a helper. I will get my eyes off myself, especially if I am going through a difficult time. I will look for ways to turn my attention outward and be a help to someone else. I will shift the balance from being more of a taker to being more of a giver.
October 11, 2010
Contentment
So this "week" while going through my Character Makeover book, I learned about contentment. One of the key Scriptures they used in this book was from Philippians 4.
4Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
10I rejoice greatly in the Lord that at last you have renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you have been concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. 11I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13I can do everything through him who gives me strength.
The verse that spoke to me the most while reading this was verse 12 because Paul went through horrific things in his lifetime yet he found what it meant to be content. He had nothing at times yet he was still grateful for what he had. That is the kind of attitude I want to have about life. Some of the quotes that the authors used in this section says:
"Contentment is not the fulfillment of what you want, but the realization of how much you already have." Unknown author
"To experience happiness we must train ourselves to live in this moment, to savor it for what it is, not running ahead in anticipation of some future date nor lagging behind in the paralysis of the past." Luci Swindoll
"Greed, jealousy and envy are akin to each other. Greed wants more. Jealousy hoards what it already has. But envy wants to have what someone else possesses." Charles Swindoll
"What makes us discontented with our condition is the absurdly exaggerated idea we have of the happiness of others." French Proverb
"If happiness could be found in having material things and in bein able to indulge yourself in things you consider pleasurable, then we would be deliriously happy. We would be telling one another frequently of our unparalleled bliss, rather than trading anti-deoressant prescriptions." W.W. Norton & Company
"We spend more but have less; we buy more but enjoy less; we have more convenience, yet less time; more leisure and less fun; we have more knowledge but less judgment; we have more gadgets but less satisfaction; more medicine, yet less wellness. We spent too recklessly; laugh too little; drive too fast; get angry too quickly; stay up too late; get up too tired; read too little; watch too much TV; pray too seldom. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values; we talk too much, love too little and lie too often. WE've learned to rush, but not to wait; we have more parties, but less fun; more acquaintances, but fewer friends. These are times of fancier houses, but broken homes; higher incomes, but lower morals. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life; we've added years to life, not life to our years." Bob Moorehead
My goals for this coming week:
1) I will be thankful.
2) I will redefine my "needs".
3) I will develop myself. I will expand not what I have, but who I am, by cultivating friendships; enjoying conversation, music, and art; savoring reflection and solitude; or exploring hobbies and interests.
4) I will rest. I will plan some leisure time into every day. I will give myself a short break at least once a day where I do something I enjoy, such as read a book, crochet, or take a catnap. I will sit outside to eat my lunch, weather permitting.
5) I will make eye contact with every person I meet this week, and I will be generous with my smiles.
6) I will watch my vocabulary and eliminate negative words such as struggle, hassle, exhausted, frustrated, draining, and impossible. I will inject more positive words such as adventure, explore, exciting, potential, hope, and celebrate.
4Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
10I rejoice greatly in the Lord that at last you have renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you have been concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. 11I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13I can do everything through him who gives me strength.
The verse that spoke to me the most while reading this was verse 12 because Paul went through horrific things in his lifetime yet he found what it meant to be content. He had nothing at times yet he was still grateful for what he had. That is the kind of attitude I want to have about life. Some of the quotes that the authors used in this section says:
"Contentment is not the fulfillment of what you want, but the realization of how much you already have." Unknown author
"To experience happiness we must train ourselves to live in this moment, to savor it for what it is, not running ahead in anticipation of some future date nor lagging behind in the paralysis of the past." Luci Swindoll
"Greed, jealousy and envy are akin to each other. Greed wants more. Jealousy hoards what it already has. But envy wants to have what someone else possesses." Charles Swindoll
"What makes us discontented with our condition is the absurdly exaggerated idea we have of the happiness of others." French Proverb
"If happiness could be found in having material things and in bein able to indulge yourself in things you consider pleasurable, then we would be deliriously happy. We would be telling one another frequently of our unparalleled bliss, rather than trading anti-deoressant prescriptions." W.W. Norton & Company
"We spend more but have less; we buy more but enjoy less; we have more convenience, yet less time; more leisure and less fun; we have more knowledge but less judgment; we have more gadgets but less satisfaction; more medicine, yet less wellness. We spent too recklessly; laugh too little; drive too fast; get angry too quickly; stay up too late; get up too tired; read too little; watch too much TV; pray too seldom. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values; we talk too much, love too little and lie too often. WE've learned to rush, but not to wait; we have more parties, but less fun; more acquaintances, but fewer friends. These are times of fancier houses, but broken homes; higher incomes, but lower morals. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life; we've added years to life, not life to our years." Bob Moorehead
My goals for this coming week:
1) I will be thankful.
2) I will redefine my "needs".
3) I will develop myself. I will expand not what I have, but who I am, by cultivating friendships; enjoying conversation, music, and art; savoring reflection and solitude; or exploring hobbies and interests.
4) I will rest. I will plan some leisure time into every day. I will give myself a short break at least once a day where I do something I enjoy, such as read a book, crochet, or take a catnap. I will sit outside to eat my lunch, weather permitting.
5) I will make eye contact with every person I meet this week, and I will be generous with my smiles.
6) I will watch my vocabulary and eliminate negative words such as struggle, hassle, exhausted, frustrated, draining, and impossible. I will inject more positive words such as adventure, explore, exciting, potential, hope, and celebrate.
September 18, 2010
Self-control
So today was my last day of the self-control week in the book Character Makeover. Today, the book had me choose actions plans. One to two from each section and like three sections total. My action plan is what things I am going to try to work on, this week and from now on. The six things I decided to work on are:
1. I will stop and thinkin before saying anything.
2. I will be gentle in what I say.
3. I will eat a balanced diet. I will, with God's power, not let food control me. I will find other God inspired ways to reward or comfort myself when I would normally turn to food. I will acknowledge my emotions and not use food as a substitute. I will eat only when I'm hungry, and only what I need, not as much as I want.
4. I will stop procrastinating. I will ask myself, "What is the best thing I could be working on right now, and what is keeping me from doing it?"
5. I will have a daily mini-Sabbath.
6. I will find an accountability partner.
Then, after that, I had to pick one of these six as the most important thing and put it in my Master Action Plan. THe one thing I decided to put on my Master Action Plan was to stop procrastinating.
1. I will stop and thinkin before saying anything.
2. I will be gentle in what I say.
3. I will eat a balanced diet. I will, with God's power, not let food control me. I will find other God inspired ways to reward or comfort myself when I would normally turn to food. I will acknowledge my emotions and not use food as a substitute. I will eat only when I'm hungry, and only what I need, not as much as I want.
4. I will stop procrastinating. I will ask myself, "What is the best thing I could be working on right now, and what is keeping me from doing it?"
5. I will have a daily mini-Sabbath.
6. I will find an accountability partner.
Then, after that, I had to pick one of these six as the most important thing and put it in my Master Action Plan. THe one thing I decided to put on my Master Action Plan was to stop procrastinating.
January 15, 2010
What's on my heart
God has been using this song to speak to me the last couple days, but I did not realize why until now. There have been times when I have felt that my prayers were in vain. I felt uncertain about so many things. I did not know WHY things were happening. I just did not understand. I knew God was there, and I knew He cared, but knowing something and FEELING something are two totally different things. You can know something in your head but until you completely believe it with your whole being... it's pretty much worthless.
Today God spoke to me in a way that I don't think I have ever experience before. God used a friend of mine at church to tell me that He thinks I am BEAUTIFUL, that He is glad I am growing in Him, and that He wants me to PRESS IN to Him. To those who may not know me that well, you may not understand this, but...
I have had problems all my life feeling very lowly about myself. I did not feel like I was beautiful, nor did I THINK I was beautiful. I was made to feel like I was WORTHLESS and ugly since I Was in grade school. Over the years that thinking has slowly changed to something a little more positive, but my FEELING was still the same. I still did not feel or believe that I was beautiful. I still felt ugly and worthless. God spoke to me today to let me know that He truly believes that I am beautiful and that I need to believe that too. When God uses somebody else to tell you something, you KNOW it is important to Him. When somebody tells you something that God told them to tell you. Believe it. Take it to Heart. God loves us SO much. I mean, He sent His ONLY son. Whom He loved SO much to die for US. Talk about love. We cannot IMAGINE that kind of love. We can only experience it first hand. God longs to meet us. He longs for us to come to Him and experience the love He has for us. In return, He will fill you with a feeling you have NEVER experienced before. It is so powerful that it just pours out of us. God cannot be contained in one person. He spills out to everybody because He is just that great.
I hope this song speaks to you in the way that it has to me. God is holding onto us. He does not want us to leave Him. In times of desperation and doubt, He is always there for us.
The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge.
He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
Psalm 18:2
I Will Not Be Moved by Natalie Grant
I have been a wayward child,
I have acted out,
I have questioned sovereignty,
and had my share of doubts,
And though sometimes,
my prayers feel like their bouncing off the sky,
the hand that holds won't let me go,
and is the reason why
I will stumble, I will fall down
But I will not be moved
I will make mistakes, I will face heartache,
But I will not be moved
On Christ the solid rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand,
I will not be moved
Bitterness has plagued my heart,
many times before,
My life has been a broken glass,
and I have kept the score,
of all my shattered dreams,
and though it seemed,
that I was far too gone,
my brokenness helped me to see,
it's grace I'm standing on.
I will stumble, I will fall down
But I will not be moved
I will make mistakes, I will face heartache,
But I will not be moved
On Christ the solid rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand,
I will not be moved
And chaos in my life,
has been a badge I've worn,
and though I have been torn,
I will not be moved
I will make mistakes, I will face heartache,
But i will not be moved
On Christ the solid rock I stand,
all other ground is sinking sand,
I will not be moved
Natalie Grant's video
Today God spoke to me in a way that I don't think I have ever experience before. God used a friend of mine at church to tell me that He thinks I am BEAUTIFUL, that He is glad I am growing in Him, and that He wants me to PRESS IN to Him. To those who may not know me that well, you may not understand this, but...
I have had problems all my life feeling very lowly about myself. I did not feel like I was beautiful, nor did I THINK I was beautiful. I was made to feel like I was WORTHLESS and ugly since I Was in grade school. Over the years that thinking has slowly changed to something a little more positive, but my FEELING was still the same. I still did not feel or believe that I was beautiful. I still felt ugly and worthless. God spoke to me today to let me know that He truly believes that I am beautiful and that I need to believe that too. When God uses somebody else to tell you something, you KNOW it is important to Him. When somebody tells you something that God told them to tell you. Believe it. Take it to Heart. God loves us SO much. I mean, He sent His ONLY son. Whom He loved SO much to die for US. Talk about love. We cannot IMAGINE that kind of love. We can only experience it first hand. God longs to meet us. He longs for us to come to Him and experience the love He has for us. In return, He will fill you with a feeling you have NEVER experienced before. It is so powerful that it just pours out of us. God cannot be contained in one person. He spills out to everybody because He is just that great.
I hope this song speaks to you in the way that it has to me. God is holding onto us. He does not want us to leave Him. In times of desperation and doubt, He is always there for us.
The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge.
He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
Psalm 18:2
I Will Not Be Moved by Natalie Grant
I have been a wayward child,
I have acted out,
I have questioned sovereignty,
and had my share of doubts,
And though sometimes,
my prayers feel like their bouncing off the sky,
the hand that holds won't let me go,
and is the reason why
I will stumble, I will fall down
But I will not be moved
I will make mistakes, I will face heartache,
But I will not be moved
On Christ the solid rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand,
I will not be moved
Bitterness has plagued my heart,
many times before,
My life has been a broken glass,
and I have kept the score,
of all my shattered dreams,
and though it seemed,
that I was far too gone,
my brokenness helped me to see,
it's grace I'm standing on.
I will stumble, I will fall down
But I will not be moved
I will make mistakes, I will face heartache,
But I will not be moved
On Christ the solid rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand,
I will not be moved
And chaos in my life,
has been a badge I've worn,
and though I have been torn,
I will not be moved
I will make mistakes, I will face heartache,
But i will not be moved
On Christ the solid rock I stand,
all other ground is sinking sand,
I will not be moved
Natalie Grant's video
October 23, 2009
update on my situation
I just wanted to let you all know what has been going on this week for me. I also want to thank all of you who have been praying for me and my family. Those prayers mean a lot to me, and I think they may just be what is keeping me going. So, anyway, on with the update.
On Monday, I started spotting very very lightly. Tuesday it got a tiny bit heavier. Then, on Wednesday it went from really light to really heavy in a matter of maybe two hours or so. This continued for like three hours with no letting up so I called the OB clinic in North Platte to see if it was normal. The lady I talked to told me to get there as soon as possible so I told Jon Paul (who just happened to be home sick that day) and we got Jabin ready and after having some hang ups in McCook left for North Platte in not so pleasant weather. We finally got to the clinic in North Platte, and by that time I was afraid to move because I had been bleeding so badly so Jon Paul went in and told them that, and they told us to go to the ER so... we finally made it into the ER after driving around the hospital for a few minutes since their ER doors were locked and JP couldn't find a way in. I get in the ER room, and I have a doctor come in and do an exam on me. He said I was bleeding moderately so by this time I must have started slowing down on the bleeding a little bit. They took some blood work on me and got me cleaned up a little bit. Then, I eventually had to go get an ultrasound to see if there was anything still in my uterus. There was so the OB doctor came in and told me they were going to do a D & C on me to finish cleaning out whatever was still in my uterus. We had gotten to North Platte at three pm and around 7 or so they came in to get me ready for the procedure. They gave me some stuff for my stomach so it wouldn't get upset while I was under anesthesia. Then, they took me to the ER and the last thing I remember is them telling me to breathe deeply. Next thing I know I'm waking up in recovery coughing from the tube they had stuck down my throat. (I'm still doing with a scratchy throat). I was in recovery for like an hour and a half before I was released to go home. The bleeding is much lighter, but boy did I start hurting yesterday. I woke up from a nap yesterday afternoon and felt like I had been ran over by a Mac truck. My body hurt from head to toe. I do feel better today. Thank goodness. I'm still a little sore, but mostly tired. Please continue to keep me in your prayers as I know I still have a long haul ahead of me. I'm just thankful Jon Paul's family will be getting here tomorrow. I am so excited to see them, especially his mom. I'm looking forward to some R & R.
On Monday, I started spotting very very lightly. Tuesday it got a tiny bit heavier. Then, on Wednesday it went from really light to really heavy in a matter of maybe two hours or so. This continued for like three hours with no letting up so I called the OB clinic in North Platte to see if it was normal. The lady I talked to told me to get there as soon as possible so I told Jon Paul (who just happened to be home sick that day) and we got Jabin ready and after having some hang ups in McCook left for North Platte in not so pleasant weather. We finally got to the clinic in North Platte, and by that time I was afraid to move because I had been bleeding so badly so Jon Paul went in and told them that, and they told us to go to the ER so... we finally made it into the ER after driving around the hospital for a few minutes since their ER doors were locked and JP couldn't find a way in. I get in the ER room, and I have a doctor come in and do an exam on me. He said I was bleeding moderately so by this time I must have started slowing down on the bleeding a little bit. They took some blood work on me and got me cleaned up a little bit. Then, I eventually had to go get an ultrasound to see if there was anything still in my uterus. There was so the OB doctor came in and told me they were going to do a D & C on me to finish cleaning out whatever was still in my uterus. We had gotten to North Platte at three pm and around 7 or so they came in to get me ready for the procedure. They gave me some stuff for my stomach so it wouldn't get upset while I was under anesthesia. Then, they took me to the ER and the last thing I remember is them telling me to breathe deeply. Next thing I know I'm waking up in recovery coughing from the tube they had stuck down my throat. (I'm still doing with a scratchy throat). I was in recovery for like an hour and a half before I was released to go home. The bleeding is much lighter, but boy did I start hurting yesterday. I woke up from a nap yesterday afternoon and felt like I had been ran over by a Mac truck. My body hurt from head to toe. I do feel better today. Thank goodness. I'm still a little sore, but mostly tired. Please continue to keep me in your prayers as I know I still have a long haul ahead of me. I'm just thankful Jon Paul's family will be getting here tomorrow. I am so excited to see them, especially his mom. I'm looking forward to some R & R.
October 16, 2009
Bad news
I went to the doctor yesterday for my first prenatal check-up, and the doctor found something totally unexpected. She did an ultrasound and found the egg sac that is supposed to be feeding the baby, but there is no baby. The baby never developed. She told me I should start bleeding soon, and it will likely be painful. The worst part is that after five weeks of "knowing" we were going to have a baby, I find out we aren't going to have a baby. I have been feeding an egg sac and nothing more. I get to experience almost all the symptoms of pregnancy with no benefits, and then I get to experience (likely) intense bleeding and even pain. Add to that the emotional pain that comes with the loss and it seems I am in a no-win situation.
After a lot of crying and wondering why yesterday, I really believe God let me in on part of his plan. I have really been feeling lately like God wants me to be a counselor to hurting women and children. I really believe God let me go through this and many of my other horrible experiences so I can relate better to the women I will be helping. God has really been speaking to me lately through the song "Motions" by Matthew West, and I know he wants me to be more passionate and closer to him than I have been. I truly want that too, and I know that he is letting me go through this time to make me stronger and to help other people. It hurts like crazy, but I know there is a GREAT reason why I am feeling this hurt for a short time. God's plan is bigger than any of us realize. Please pray for me that I will have strength in this time and that the physical pain won't be overwhelming when I finally start bleeding. Pray also for wisdom for Jon Paul and I. I am supposed to go back on Thursday, the 22nd so they can take my hormone levels again. I'm not sure why this is necessary, but I think the doctor suspected I may have had/still have a hormonal imbalance.
On the plus side, Jabin has finally gained some weight. The last time he was weighed he was like 22.5 pounds. Now, he is over 25.5 pounds. JP told me he was 32 inches long, but he according to the doctors he was 31 inches long last time, and I know he has grown more than an inch in the past five months or so.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZUg9qE_KjLg
After a lot of crying and wondering why yesterday, I really believe God let me in on part of his plan. I have really been feeling lately like God wants me to be a counselor to hurting women and children. I really believe God let me go through this and many of my other horrible experiences so I can relate better to the women I will be helping. God has really been speaking to me lately through the song "Motions" by Matthew West, and I know he wants me to be more passionate and closer to him than I have been. I truly want that too, and I know that he is letting me go through this time to make me stronger and to help other people. It hurts like crazy, but I know there is a GREAT reason why I am feeling this hurt for a short time. God's plan is bigger than any of us realize. Please pray for me that I will have strength in this time and that the physical pain won't be overwhelming when I finally start bleeding. Pray also for wisdom for Jon Paul and I. I am supposed to go back on Thursday, the 22nd so they can take my hormone levels again. I'm not sure why this is necessary, but I think the doctor suspected I may have had/still have a hormonal imbalance.
On the plus side, Jabin has finally gained some weight. The last time he was weighed he was like 22.5 pounds. Now, he is over 25.5 pounds. JP told me he was 32 inches long, but he according to the doctors he was 31 inches long last time, and I know he has grown more than an inch in the past five months or so.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZUg9qE_KjLg
September 11, 2009
Baby #2
So Jon Paul and I found out last night that we will be having another baby (probably) in May. We are pretty excited. Figured I should probably let everybody know before the rumors really get flying.
August 7, 2009
contemplation
I have been thinking a lot lately about all the wonderful and awesome things God has done for me and my family. He has not only done a miracle in my son's life (which is HUGE), but he has continuously provided for my family (which sometimes seems almost as huge).
God has been reminding me over and over lately how much I am worth to him. It's like everywhere I go, God reminds me how much he loves me and how valuable I am to him. He wants me to realize and truly believe what I am hearing. This may sound a little confusing, but some of you might understand what I am talking about. For the others, I will enlighten you a little.
From as far back as I can remember till I was in high school, I had somebody picking on me, making fun of me, calling me names, etc. After awhile you start believing what those people tell you. They made me feel like I was worthless and nobody wanted to be around me. Even long after the taunting stopped, I felt worthless.
God has been reminding me that I am a child of His, and He does not make junk. I am not worthless, I am extremely valuable. I am not trash because God does NOT make trash. God wants the best for me. Through the last couple months, I have come to truly believe what God says about me. People really DO like me and want to spend time with me. I am smart, loyal and can sing. I LOVE to sing.
Everybody is God's creation. We are NOT junk. God does not make junk. He made us in His image so we are not ugly cuz I just don't think it would be a good idea to call God ugly.... We are valuable. We each have talents and gifts that we should be using.
Right now I am taking classes on line to get my Bachelor's in Social Services. After I graduate, I plan on helping women and children who have been abused. This has been a passion of mine for quite awhile now. It hurts me deeply to see women and children abused when they have no reason to be abused. Maybe God has taken me through my difficult self-esteem times to help these people who have had all their positive self-esteem abused out of them. I can help them see just how much worth they really DO have so they feel like they can leave the relationship they are in. A lot of women that are abused, if not all, truly believe that they are not good enough for anything better than what they are getting. They truly believe they deserve the abuse they receive which is absolutely not true. It seems absurd for anybody who has not been abused to think anybody could really think that, but they really do. They need to know that they have a LOT of worth. I want to show them how much worth they have. I want them to truly believe they are more valuable than gold, more precious than rubies, etc. There is somebody that loves them far more than any other human ever could, and that love is unconditional. We can't do anything to EARN his love. He gave it to us before we were even born. All we have to do is accept it. We do not need to EARN anything from God, He freely gives.
Well, I think that's all the thoughts I have for now. I just wanted to share with you all how God has been working in my life lately. I hope some of you are inspired by this as well.
God has been reminding me over and over lately how much I am worth to him. It's like everywhere I go, God reminds me how much he loves me and how valuable I am to him. He wants me to realize and truly believe what I am hearing. This may sound a little confusing, but some of you might understand what I am talking about. For the others, I will enlighten you a little.
From as far back as I can remember till I was in high school, I had somebody picking on me, making fun of me, calling me names, etc. After awhile you start believing what those people tell you. They made me feel like I was worthless and nobody wanted to be around me. Even long after the taunting stopped, I felt worthless.
God has been reminding me that I am a child of His, and He does not make junk. I am not worthless, I am extremely valuable. I am not trash because God does NOT make trash. God wants the best for me. Through the last couple months, I have come to truly believe what God says about me. People really DO like me and want to spend time with me. I am smart, loyal and can sing. I LOVE to sing.
Everybody is God's creation. We are NOT junk. God does not make junk. He made us in His image so we are not ugly cuz I just don't think it would be a good idea to call God ugly.... We are valuable. We each have talents and gifts that we should be using.
Right now I am taking classes on line to get my Bachelor's in Social Services. After I graduate, I plan on helping women and children who have been abused. This has been a passion of mine for quite awhile now. It hurts me deeply to see women and children abused when they have no reason to be abused. Maybe God has taken me through my difficult self-esteem times to help these people who have had all their positive self-esteem abused out of them. I can help them see just how much worth they really DO have so they feel like they can leave the relationship they are in. A lot of women that are abused, if not all, truly believe that they are not good enough for anything better than what they are getting. They truly believe they deserve the abuse they receive which is absolutely not true. It seems absurd for anybody who has not been abused to think anybody could really think that, but they really do. They need to know that they have a LOT of worth. I want to show them how much worth they have. I want them to truly believe they are more valuable than gold, more precious than rubies, etc. There is somebody that loves them far more than any other human ever could, and that love is unconditional. We can't do anything to EARN his love. He gave it to us before we were even born. All we have to do is accept it. We do not need to EARN anything from God, He freely gives.
Well, I think that's all the thoughts I have for now. I just wanted to share with you all how God has been working in my life lately. I hope some of you are inspired by this as well.
April 22, 2009
The Results
So.. we finally figured out what is going on with Jabin. He had his appointment with the neurologist today in Grand Island. The doctor discussed the results of the blood work and the MRI. It turns out that there IS something wrong in his brain. The doctor said that the myolin (fatty shield-type thing) that is supposed to cover his nerves in his brain isn't as thick as it should be. He explained it this way: Imagine a cable, like a television cable. You know how it has the rubber-ish coating on the outside? That coating is like the myolin covering the nerves in his brain. Imagine stripping that off. The cable will still work, but it won't work the way it is supposed to. That is the way his nerves are. Since he doesn't have that coating on his nerves, it is basically short-circuiting in the sense that not all the information that is supposed to go to the rest of his body is getting there. This is what is causing his problems with his muscles and also causing problems with him growing. The doctor said that this probably happened in the womb. Something happened that cause this. There isn't a whole lot we can do about it. He wants Jabin to have therapy at least twice a week. He said that Jabin may or may not ever be "normal". He said the best indicator of whether or not he will be normal is how he has been developing so far. So far he has been developing in steps. In other words, he will develop rapidly for a short while and then plateau out again for awhile. My cousin Amanda (who is a nurse) told me to give him a lot of fatty and high calorie foods. My Aunt Marvene and James reiterated that for me. It makes sense. The last time he developed by leaps and bounds was when the pediatrician had told us to give him PediaSure twice a day. He needs a whole lot of calories to develop. I am guessing probably twice as many as other children his age. I am going to talk to Jon Paul and see what he thinks. I am really hoping and praying that by giving him a lot more calories and fat, he will not only grow like he is supposed to, but he will also start developing the way he is supposed to. I have no doubt that he is very smart, but his body is not doing what it is supposed to. The good thing is that this does not appear to be a genetic thing. (Praise God!)
I would really appreciate it if you would pray for Jon Paul and I in the next couple weeks as we adjust to this news and try to do as much as we can. I am really praying that if and when we put him on this high calorie diet it will work. I am still trying to work through this information. I knew something was wrong, and I wanted to know what it was. I am glad I know. It is just hard imagining my son never "normal". I am asking God for guidance and peace. I want to make sure that I am doing as much as I can for Jabin. Whatever that means. I would appreciate it if you would pray the same thing for me. Thank you to all of you who have already been praying. I appreciate it very much. It means a lot to me.
I would really appreciate it if you would pray for Jon Paul and I in the next couple weeks as we adjust to this news and try to do as much as we can. I am really praying that if and when we put him on this high calorie diet it will work. I am still trying to work through this information. I knew something was wrong, and I wanted to know what it was. I am glad I know. It is just hard imagining my son never "normal". I am asking God for guidance and peace. I want to make sure that I am doing as much as I can for Jabin. Whatever that means. I would appreciate it if you would pray the same thing for me. Thank you to all of you who have already been praying. I appreciate it very much. It means a lot to me.
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