I have been having a hard time with relationships lately. I find myself feeling guilty a lot about things I've said or done, and the hardest part for me is knowing whether or not I've really done anything wrong. It's easy to figure out when you've said something hurtful (most of the time), and I usually feel convicted when I say something like that and feel bad until I apologize. But there are also times when I feel bad about doing or saying something that just doesn't really seem wrong, and I can't get past the guilty feeling. Satan has made me feel bad for basically being me and for wanting friendships with people that could very well be valuable to me. He has been bringing up a lot of my insecurities again too which is really frustrating because my initial reaction then is to withdraw and isolate myself.... which is what I have been doing. I have found myself shutting down, even when I am talking to people that I really love, simply because I am afraid of getting hurt. I take everything personally when I shouldn't, and that just feeds on my insecurities. I have found myself thinking lately that I thought it was easier when I was going through a really difficult time than it is now to talk to people and to trust them because what did I have to lose then?
I find myself really frustrated because I have nobody to hang out with, nobody to talk to face to face and share my heart and my struggles with. I have nobody to hold me accountable and nobody who confides in me (which may or may not be true). I guess I have just been longing for something that I may never have in another human being.
Jesus said, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30)
I like these verses, but.... how do you get past a desire that just seems to keep burning inside of you? It is so hard, and it makes me wonder if that desire is supposed to go away. I've prayed and prayed and prayed and it's still there. I guess it's those times when you really have to trust God and wait on His timing. If you are going through this same thing, I want you to know that you are not alone. I struggle with this very thing a lot. I trust God in my head, but it is so hard to trust Him in my heart sometimes.
Father, I do not understand sometimes where these desires inside my heart come from. I do not know if they come from You or if they are just my flesh trying to weigh me down. Give me and others going through the same thing discernment and guidance, Lord, and if these desires are not from You, I pray that You would remove them from my heart and from the hearts of others. I pray that my words will bring comfort to others who are struggling with the same thing. In Jesus' Name. Amen
After writing this, a lady from my church sent me a message inviting me to a Women's Study and fellowship on Tuesday nights. I am amazed at how quickly God works when we reach out for help. Please be in prayer for me that this fellowship will be just what I need, and I really want to thank those of you who have read these blogs I post and have walked beside me on this journey called life. I am very thankful to God for the friendships and relationships He has brought into my life.