May 4, 2011


I have discovered something about myself in the past 24 hours. I have found that I am not a failure, but a quitter. I don't fail at things because I don't even attempt them. That, in itself, is probably the worst form of failure.  I have been so afraid of failing at life that I haven't even attempted to live it. My life is so full of fears that my life is pretty miserable sometimes. I'm so afraid of offending someone or trying something new that I just stay in my little bubble time and time again. I don't reach out to other people because I am afraid of being rejected. I don't attempt to please my husband because I am so afraid of disappointing him time and time again. I am a horrible housekeeper and not a very good wife most of the time because I am afraid of failure. I see simple tasks as overwhelming obstacles. God used Jon Paul to reveal these things to me last night. I know I have some good friends who care about me back in Nebraska. I am just frustrated because I honestly feel like I am not valuable enough to them for them to send me an email or text message or call me. Jon Paul told me this morning that people don't call each other anymore. I told him that's fine with me, but how come they don't email me or text me either. People really need to notify that person when they are thinking about them. They never know when that person could really use the confidence and morale boost. My confidence is still almost non-existent, but I am determined that I will keep striving to do what I know I need to do for myself, for my husband, my family and ultimately for God. I am tired of the devil telling me I am a failure. I am tired of all the negative self-talk he puts into my head. I want to spend more time with God and less time listening to Satan. I have decided to give up Facebook for an undetermined amount of time because I depend way too much on it to fulfill me. It makes me sad, but it also gives me a sense of peace that now I will be able to move past my current situation. I am hoping that my friends will still keep in touch with me, but at this point in my life, I guess it doesn't really matter. I guess I find this my way of weeding out the people who... well... I'm not sure how to put it. I don't want to say it's my way of weeding out the people who don't care about me, but that kind of seems to be the way I feel. If anybody wants my email address comment below.
This song fits well with how I feel right now:
What Faith Can Do by Kutless