update on my situation

I just wanted to let you all know what has been going on this week for me. I also want to thank all of you who have been praying for me and my family. Those prayers mean a lot to me, and I think they may just be what is keeping me going. So, anyway, on with the update.

On Monday, I started spotting very very lightly. Tuesday it got a tiny bit heavier. Then, on Wednesday it went from really light to really heavy in a matter of maybe two hours or so. This continued for like three hours with no letting up so I called the OB clinic in North Platte to see if it was normal. The lady I talked to told me to get there as soon as possible so I told Jon Paul (who just happened to be home sick that day) and we got Jabin ready and after having some hang ups in McCook left for North Platte in not so pleasant weather. We finally got to the clinic in North Platte, and by that time I was afraid to move because I had been bleeding so badly so Jon Paul went in and told them that, and they told us to go to the ER so... we finally made it into the ER after driving around the hospital for a few minutes since their ER doors were locked and JP couldn't find a way in. I get in the ER room, and I have a doctor come in and do an exam on me. He said I was bleeding moderately so by this time I must have started slowing down on the bleeding a little bit. They took some blood work on me and got me cleaned up a little bit. Then, I eventually had to go get an ultrasound to see if there was anything still in my uterus. There was so the OB doctor came in and told me they were going to do a D & C on me to finish cleaning out whatever was still in my uterus. We had gotten to North Platte at three pm and around 7 or so they came in to get me ready for the procedure. They gave me some stuff for my stomach so it wouldn't get upset while I was under anesthesia. Then, they took me to the ER and the last thing I remember is them telling me to breathe deeply. Next thing I know I'm waking up in recovery coughing from the tube they had stuck down my throat. (I'm still doing with a scratchy throat). I was in recovery for like an hour and a half before I was released to go home. The bleeding is much lighter, but boy did I start hurting yesterday. I woke up from a nap yesterday afternoon and felt like I had been ran over by a Mac truck. My body hurt from head to toe. I do feel better today. Thank goodness. I'm still a little sore, but mostly tired. Please continue to keep me in your prayers as I know I still have a long haul ahead of me. I'm just thankful Jon Paul's family will be getting here tomorrow. I am so excited to see them, especially his mom. I'm looking forward to some R & R.

Bad news

I went to the doctor yesterday for my first prenatal check-up, and the doctor found something totally unexpected. She did an ultrasound and found the egg sac that is supposed to be feeding the baby, but there is no baby. The baby never developed. She told me I should start bleeding soon, and it will likely be painful. The worst part is that after five weeks of "knowing" we were going to have a baby, I find out we aren't going to have a baby. I have been feeding an egg sac and nothing more. I get to experience almost all the symptoms of pregnancy with no benefits, and then I get to experience (likely) intense bleeding and even pain. Add to that the emotional pain that comes with the loss and it seems I am in a no-win situation.
After a lot of crying and wondering why yesterday, I really believe God let me in on part of his plan. I have really been feeling lately like God wants me to be a counselor to hurting women and children. I really believe God let me go through this and many of my other horrible experiences so I can relate better to the women I will be helping. God has really been speaking to me lately through the song "Motions" by Matthew West, and I know he wants me to be more passionate and closer to him than I have been. I truly want that too, and I know that he is letting me go through this time to make me stronger and to help other people. It hurts like crazy, but I know there is a GREAT reason why I am feeling this hurt for a short time. God's plan is bigger than any of us realize. Please pray for me that I will have strength in this time and that the physical pain won't be overwhelming when I finally start bleeding. Pray also for wisdom for Jon Paul and I. I am supposed to go back on Thursday, the 22nd so they can take my hormone levels again. I'm not sure why this is necessary, but I think the doctor suspected I may have had/still have a hormonal imbalance.
On the plus side, Jabin has finally gained some weight. The last time he was weighed he was like 22.5 pounds. Now, he is over 25.5 pounds. JP told me he was 32 inches long, but he according to the doctors he was 31 inches long last time, and I know he has grown more than an inch in the past five months or so.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZUg9qE_KjLg

Baby #2

So Jon Paul and I found out last night that we will be having another baby (probably) in May. We are pretty excited. Figured I should probably let everybody know before the rumors really get flying.

contemplation

I have been thinking a lot lately about all the wonderful and awesome things God has done for me and my family. He has not only done a miracle in my son's life (which is HUGE), but he has continuously provided for my family (which sometimes seems almost as huge).
God has been reminding me over and over lately how much I am worth to him. It's like everywhere I go, God reminds me how much he loves me and how valuable I am to him. He wants me to realize and truly believe what I am hearing. This may sound a little confusing, but some of you might understand what I am talking about. For the others, I will enlighten you a little.
From as far back as I can remember till I was in high school, I had somebody picking on me, making fun of me, calling me names, etc. After awhile you start believing what those people tell you. They made me feel like I was worthless and nobody wanted to be around me. Even long after the taunting stopped, I felt worthless.
God has been reminding me that I am a child of His, and He does not make junk. I am not worthless, I am extremely valuable. I am not trash because God does NOT make trash. God wants the best for me. Through the last couple months, I have come to truly believe what God says about me. People really DO like me and want to spend time with me. I am smart, loyal and can sing. I LOVE to sing.
Everybody is God's creation. We are NOT junk. God does not make junk. He made us in His image so we are not ugly cuz I just don't think it would be a good idea to call God ugly.... We are valuable. We each have talents and gifts that we should be using.
Right now I am taking classes on line to get my Bachelor's in Social Services. After I graduate, I plan on helping women and children who have been abused. This has been a passion of mine for quite awhile now. It hurts me deeply to see women and children abused when they have no reason to be abused. Maybe God has taken me through my difficult self-esteem times to help these people who have had all their positive self-esteem abused out of them. I can help them see just how much worth they really DO have so they feel like they can leave the relationship they are in. A lot of women that are abused, if not all, truly believe that they are not good enough for anything better than what they are getting. They truly believe they deserve the abuse they receive which is absolutely not true. It seems absurd for anybody who has not been abused to think anybody could really think that, but they really do. They need to know that they have a LOT of worth. I want to show them how much worth they have. I want them to truly believe they are more valuable than gold, more precious than rubies, etc. There is somebody that loves them far more than any other human ever could, and that love is unconditional. We can't do anything to EARN his love. He gave it to us before we were even born. All we have to do is accept it. We do not need to EARN anything from God, He freely gives.
Well, I think that's all the thoughts I have for now. I just wanted to share with you all how God has been working in my life lately. I hope some of you are inspired by this as well.

The Results

So.. we finally figured out what is going on with Jabin. He had his appointment with the neurologist today in Grand Island. The doctor discussed the results of the blood work and the MRI. It turns out that there IS something wrong in his brain. The doctor said that the myolin (fatty shield-type thing) that is supposed to cover his nerves in his brain isn't as thick as it should be. He explained it this way: Imagine a cable, like a television cable. You know how it has the rubber-ish coating on the outside? That coating is like the myolin covering the nerves in his brain. Imagine stripping that off. The cable will still work, but it won't work the way it is supposed to. That is the way his nerves are. Since he doesn't have that coating on his nerves, it is basically short-circuiting in the sense that not all the information that is supposed to go to the rest of his body is getting there. This is what is causing his problems with his muscles and also causing problems with him growing. The doctor said that this probably happened in the womb. Something happened that cause this. There isn't a whole lot we can do about it. He wants Jabin to have therapy at least twice a week. He said that Jabin may or may not ever be "normal". He said the best indicator of whether or not he will be normal is how he has been developing so far. So far he has been developing in steps. In other words, he will develop rapidly for a short while and then plateau out again for awhile. My cousin Amanda (who is a nurse) told me to give him a lot of fatty and high calorie foods. My Aunt Marvene and James reiterated that for me. It makes sense. The last time he developed by leaps and bounds was when the pediatrician had told us to give him PediaSure twice a day. He needs a whole lot of calories to develop. I am guessing probably twice as many as other children his age. I am going to talk to Jon Paul and see what he thinks. I am really hoping and praying that by giving him a lot more calories and fat, he will not only grow like he is supposed to, but he will also start developing the way he is supposed to. I have no doubt that he is very smart, but his body is not doing what it is supposed to. The good thing is that this does not appear to be a genetic thing. (Praise God!)
I would really appreciate it if you would pray for Jon Paul and I in the next couple weeks as we adjust to this news and try to do as much as we can. I am really praying that if and when we put him on this high calorie diet it will work. I am still trying to work through this information. I knew something was wrong, and I wanted to know what it was. I am glad I know. It is just hard imagining my son never "normal". I am asking God for guidance and peace. I want to make sure that I am doing as much as I can for Jabin. Whatever that means. I would appreciate it if you would pray the same thing for me. Thank you to all of you who have already been praying. I appreciate it very much. It means a lot to me.