October 16, 2009

Bad news

I went to the doctor yesterday for my first prenatal check-up, and the doctor found something totally unexpected. She did an ultrasound and found the egg sac that is supposed to be feeding the baby, but there is no baby. The baby never developed. She told me I should start bleeding soon, and it will likely be painful. The worst part is that after five weeks of "knowing" we were going to have a baby, I find out we aren't going to have a baby. I have been feeding an egg sac and nothing more. I get to experience almost all the symptoms of pregnancy with no benefits, and then I get to experience (likely) intense bleeding and even pain. Add to that the emotional pain that comes with the loss and it seems I am in a no-win situation.
After a lot of crying and wondering why yesterday, I really believe God let me in on part of his plan. I have really been feeling lately like God wants me to be a counselor to hurting women and children. I really believe God let me go through this and many of my other horrible experiences so I can relate better to the women I will be helping. God has really been speaking to me lately through the song "Motions" by Matthew West, and I know he wants me to be more passionate and closer to him than I have been. I truly want that too, and I know that he is letting me go through this time to make me stronger and to help other people. It hurts like crazy, but I know there is a GREAT reason why I am feeling this hurt for a short time. God's plan is bigger than any of us realize. Please pray for me that I will have strength in this time and that the physical pain won't be overwhelming when I finally start bleeding. Pray also for wisdom for Jon Paul and I. I am supposed to go back on Thursday, the 22nd so they can take my hormone levels again. I'm not sure why this is necessary, but I think the doctor suspected I may have had/still have a hormonal imbalance.
On the plus side, Jabin has finally gained some weight. The last time he was weighed he was like 22.5 pounds. Now, he is over 25.5 pounds. JP told me he was 32 inches long, but he according to the doctors he was 31 inches long last time, and I know he has grown more than an inch in the past five months or so.