May 9, 2011

Happy Mother's Day!

I know this is a day late, but I really didn't get much of a chance to even get online yesterday.

I had been thinking about what I wanted to say about my mom, and.. frankly, I think I will just let it flow.

I won't say my mom has always been my best friend, but I will say that my mom has ALWAYS been there for me when I needed somebody to talk to. She may be biased in her opions, but she always listens to me no matter what. My mom has been the one I called when I put my car in the ditch because I was going too fast on snowy roads, or when I needed to vent about a job, or worried about something during a pregnancy, or when I was having problems in my marriage. I won't say she always gave her unbiased opinion because... she's my mom. She is going to side with me on whatever, simply because she loves me and wants what is best for me. My mom has faced a lot of hard things in her life. her health has not been very good for as long as I can remember yet she is constantly making sacrifices for those she loves. She has also blossomed over the past few years into a wonderful woman. She is more confident, more outgoing, and just seems to be happier in general. I am very happy for my mom and the triumphs she has had in the past few years.

This Mother's day weekend was pretty hard for me. I think it is the hardest one I have faced yet since becoming a mother... But then again, it's the first one I've celebrated away from her since Jabin was born. I have to admit, I was really missing my family this weekend, but I understand that I am where I am supposed to be... no matter how difficult it is and can be. I am very thankful though that I have such great in-laws, especially my mother-in-law who seems to love me almost like her own daughter. She has taken me under her wing and cared for me and listened to me when I needed somebody to talk to. She let me stay at her house when I needed a break from home. I have been so blessed with such a wonderful woman as my mother-in-law. I know not all women are "lucky" enough to get a mother-in-law they like, let alone one they actually like to hang out with.

Anyway... so to all you mothers out there... whether you had a child biologically, adopted a child, fostered a child or just helped raise a child.... because, as they used to say, it takes a village to raise a child.... HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY! I hope you had an extremely blessed day.

May 6, 2011

Reflections and Contemplations

I have been thinking the last two days a lot about what I posted the other day. I realize there are a lot of people, women especially, who feel the way I do. We have so many ways to keep in touch with people these days yet we are often still very lonely. I wonder if maybe these may be the loneliest times yet. We get so caught up in the quantity of communications with other people that we entirely neglect quality communication. How many people can say they have somebody they can truly talk to, a best friend? Kind of like a soul mate, but... not. Like a blood brother/sister used to be. I had a "best" friend in high school, but... I never really felt special. I always felt second-best. I hate how, it seems, everybody is afraid to expose themselves to other people. One thing I haven't (usually) had a problem with is opening up to other people about how I feel. Most people aren't like that though, or at least not in my experience. Maybe we should focus more on REALLY talking with other people than just making casual conversation. Pick ONE person to get to know better and see where it leads you. I think we would all be a lot happier if we did that. I realized that social media sites like Facebook tend to suck people in. We (I included) could stare at the computer screen for hours waiting for somebody to post a new status update, yet I RARELY talked to people on Facebook, and the longer I went without really talking to people, the less I really had a desire to do it. It was like "I really want to talk to somebody, but I don't know what to say" so I wouldn't do it. We can always talk ourselves OUT of doing something because "I don't think it's right for me" or "I'm not sure I'm called to do it" or "It's not my gift". I am talking to myself as well as everybody else. I got so sucked into Facebook that I was neglecting a lot of other things, and relationships. I guess my assignment for us all this week is to pick one person to share yourself with and get to know them better, and it can't be your significant other (though we should do that with them too). Reach out to somebody. I'll have to think on this one a little bit since I'm in a completely new state and don't know many people. I want you all to keep me accountable.

May 4, 2011


I have discovered something about myself in the past 24 hours. I have found that I am not a failure, but a quitter. I don't fail at things because I don't even attempt them. That, in itself, is probably the worst form of failure.  I have been so afraid of failing at life that I haven't even attempted to live it. My life is so full of fears that my life is pretty miserable sometimes. I'm so afraid of offending someone or trying something new that I just stay in my little bubble time and time again. I don't reach out to other people because I am afraid of being rejected. I don't attempt to please my husband because I am so afraid of disappointing him time and time again. I am a horrible housekeeper and not a very good wife most of the time because I am afraid of failure. I see simple tasks as overwhelming obstacles. God used Jon Paul to reveal these things to me last night. I know I have some good friends who care about me back in Nebraska. I am just frustrated because I honestly feel like I am not valuable enough to them for them to send me an email or text message or call me. Jon Paul told me this morning that people don't call each other anymore. I told him that's fine with me, but how come they don't email me or text me either. People really need to notify that person when they are thinking about them. They never know when that person could really use the confidence and morale boost. My confidence is still almost non-existent, but I am determined that I will keep striving to do what I know I need to do for myself, for my husband, my family and ultimately for God. I am tired of the devil telling me I am a failure. I am tired of all the negative self-talk he puts into my head. I want to spend more time with God and less time listening to Satan. I have decided to give up Facebook for an undetermined amount of time because I depend way too much on it to fulfill me. It makes me sad, but it also gives me a sense of peace that now I will be able to move past my current situation. I am hoping that my friends will still keep in touch with me, but at this point in my life, I guess it doesn't really matter. I guess I find this my way of weeding out the people who... well... I'm not sure how to put it. I don't want to say it's my way of weeding out the people who don't care about me, but that kind of seems to be the way I feel. If anybody wants my email address comment below.
This song fits well with how I feel right now:
What Faith Can Do by Kutless