Seeking Him with all my heart

So.. I have to tell you that I've really been struggling lately.  I think I mentioned this in my last post, but... it's just been really hard for me. I think the worst thing ( even worse than feeling like a failure for not being able to support myself and my son) is not feeling close to God.  I have felt SO distant from Him for quite awhile now ( a few weeks or more). I've been trying to seek Him, but it has felt like nobody's there. Notice how I said FELT.  I KNOW God is right there beside me, probably carrying me through this difficult time, but for some reason, I just haven't felt it, and that is a horrible feeling. I guess sometimes (probably most of the time) God waits for us to get to our low point, to where we reach out for Him with all our being and just LONG for Him.  I think I hit that point tonight. I've just been so frustrated, trying as hard as I can to figure things out.  I've been trying to seek God, but I also haven't exactly been trusting Him. Go figure, right? So, anyway, I was listening to this song called "starts with me" (or something like that) by Tim Timmons. I can't tell you how this song has spoke to me. I FEEL the lyrics he is singing. I think listening to that song over and over again just helped me to just reach out for God with all my being, and I found Him.  I felt Him whispering to my soul that everything is going to be ok.  I have no idea HOW that's going to happen, but I know I just have to trust Him. For the first time in weeks, I actually felt God. I balled, still am, listening to this song. My longing is just to serve Him. I just want to do what He wants me to do.

So, anyway... I want to tell you something. Something else I've been struggling with.  So every year after getting back from missions trips our church allows the people who go on those missions trips to speak about their experiences at church.  I really struggled with whether or not to speak because I have really been going through a lot of uncomfortable growing times this summer since getting back from Mexico. Our associate pastor approached me one morning before/after church about speaking. I told him I wasn't sure if I was going to speak or not because I've really been struggling.  He told me that I should because people need to see that it's not always easy.  I agree with him on that. Anyway, we were supposed to speak a few weeks ago, but they ran out of time so the ones who went to Mexico didn't get to speak.  I had to work that Sunday so I wasn't even in church. I had kinda figured that would be my way out of having to speak. Boy was I wrong. I got home from work and my mom told me that they didn't even get to share because they ran out of time. I found that to be very odd. So anyway, we get our second chance to speak on Sunday, and I am STILL struggling with this.  I have no idea what to say, and I have no idea why God wants me to speak, but PLEASE pray for me.  It is going to be extremely difficult for me, and if I get through it without crying, it would be a miracle.  I want to be real with people, but it is SO hard because you leave yourself open to getting seriously hurt by people.  I experienced this last year when getting back from Mexico, but, thank God, those people are good friends now. :-)  I know there will be some people who won't understand and will judge me.  There usually are. I just don't want that to be my focus.  Pray that I will keep my focus where it needs to be: God using me to speak to others.  In reality, that's what I really want anyway.  If God can use my pain and sufferings to help other people, I say YES.  I hate to see people suffering. Anyway, thanks for reading this. I hope and pray that through my "realness" and babbling :-) people will be encouraged.  I just want you to know that NO MATTER WHAT God is there right beside you waiting for you to reach out to Him with all your heart, mind and soul.  God requires total surrender.That's it. It's SO hard, but TOTALLY rewarding. Have a good night.

Oh, you HAVE to listen to that song I mentioned about. I'm serious.

Reflections

I'm sitting here on my couch with Jabin laying beside me (since he refused to sleep in his own bed), and I'm just thinking about the past two months since getting back from Mexico.  God has really taken me on a journey in the past two months, and boy has it been a difficult one!  While in Mexico I felt God telling me to surrender everything, especially my son. That was a hard one to work through, but I finally did it. (I realize this is not a one time thing, but I think it gets easier the more you do it.)  Then, right after that I felt like God was calling me to go to this certain Bible college so I applied and did all the necessary things, and I waited and waited and waited. About the beginning of July I kinda figured it wasn't going to happen this fall since there was no way (in my mind) that I could come up with enough money in less than a month to pay for school even if I was accepted.  I guess it's a good thing I had decided on that because at the end of July, I finally got a response from the school.  I was not accepted.  I was kinda heartbroken over that, especially because of the reasoning they gave me.  It felt like a slap in my face. So, needless to say, that door was slammed shut in my face.  I'm still really disappointed and a little hurt, but I'm ok with it.  I just can't shake this feeling like God is telling me it's time to move on.  I've been feeling it for about a year now.  It's like God is telling me it's time to move away from here.  It seems like so many doors are shutting here for me.  I'm having an extremely hard time finding jobs that will pay my bills.  I have a job right now, but I'm not making nearly enough money to pay my bills.  I hate the feeling of not being able to provide for myself and my son. It kinda makes me feel like a failure.  I also feel really isolated here, and that's not because I don't have people to talk to because believe ME there are some wonderful people around here who would drop just about anything to just listen and show their support for me.  I'm talking about having NOBODY to hang out with.  The people my age around here are either married or partiers.  The people I talk to are mostly twice my age or older.  It's a lonely feeling.  Add to that, the fact that I am a single parent, and... well, anybody that has been there knows what that's like.
Before I go on let me recap for you a little of what God has taken me through in the past two months.... lol

• surrendering all (especially my son)
• God revealing to me how prideful I've been and being totally humbled by it
• nearly getting stranded on my way back from Lincoln because my car was acting up
• my car dying on me while stopped at a red light and not starting for another hour
• having to rely on friends to help me about with above problem because all my family were gone
• having Jabin scare the heck out of me because he was in so much pain (still don't know what caused that)
• not being able to pay my bills
• having my house broken into (it took me a couple weeks before I started staying at my house again. I just started spending the night here last week).

I could probably go on, but I want to mention a few positive things too.  I am so thankful for what God has revealed to me over the past couple months no matter how hard they've been.  I would like to say I've grown a lot over the last two months, but (lol) I feel like my head is still reeling.  In spite of all these hardships, there have been good.  I mentioned this in my last post about Jabin's appointment with his neurologist.  I was so thrilled to get such a good report from Jabin's doctor about his progress.  I knew God was going to do amazing things in his life, but it was so nice of God to just take the time to reassure me of that.  It was a much needed breath of fresh air.  The break in taught me that I cannot put my security in things or other people, but that my security needs to be in God.  The car problems... well... I'm not really sure.  Thankfully, my dad was able to change the fuel pump so now my car runs MUCH better.  He even changed my oil last night. The only major thing left on that is the manifold needing fixed.  Still waiting on the mechanic to become available to work on that.  My dad thinks maybe we can use some sort of stop leak to help with the leak so we're going to try that in the meantime.  I'm almost wondering if all these negative things were Satan's way of trying to steer me off course.  He's seen how I've been striving to get closer to God and do God's will, so he's trying as hard as he can to frustrate me and distract me, and I'll tell you, it's tempting to become distracted, but when I face these hard times, I turn to God.  I may not understand why these things are happening, but I know without the shadow of a doubt that things will get better for me.  God's still right there by my side even if I cannot feel Him or necessarily see Him.
Right now I am looking into the possibility of moving to a bigger town in Nebraska.  I've been looking for jobs in a couple different areas, and I kinda feel God leading to one specific town, but I want to make sure that it's really God's leading so... I have a prayer request.  Please be praying that I will have discernment as to what is from God and what is not and that I will follow God's leading and not be afraid. A lot of times I let my fear get in the way.  I don't want to do that. I was told twice today by two different people only a few minutes apart that maybe I just need to get moving and God will meet me there. (Better make that three people.  The pastor mentioned it in his sermon today too.)  God doesn't want us to just sit still and wait. Most of the time he calls us to move and then he'll make His move. It's so hard to take that first step though when you have no idea what will happen.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you; plans to give you hope and a future. Then, you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11-13  These verses have been my theme verses for the past few months, especially the last verse. My desire has just been to seek God with all my heart. It has not been easy, but it is totally worth it.