September 10, 2015

Starts with Me

This was taken from a post I had on my Facebook page from August 4, 2015.

Starts With Me by Tim Timmons

I've been really struggling the past few days. ..maybe even longer. I want so desperately to feel close to God all the time, but I always feel like there is something that gets in the way. Even when I feel like I've made a breakthrough, I find myself falling flat on my face in no time, and then I feel horrible. I haven't slept well for most of the past few weeks. Not sure why. I started journaling again this weekend because I needed something to help me clear my head and sort through things and writing has always done that for me. Last night I woke up again about 11:30 and couldn't go back to sleep. I started getting hungry and then I started getting angry; really frustrated so I started writing. At about 1 o clock I finally finished. I am just so tired of holding myself back and not letting God use me the way He wants to because I am more scared of what people will think of me than I am about making God happy and doing what I really want to do. I've lived most of my life in fear over one thing or another, and I'm just plain tired of it. It actually breaks my heart. Why am I so worried about people and not about the One who means more to me than anything side? The Only One who has been with me through all the pain and heartache and tears. The One who gave me the strength to get up each morning and take care of my son because nobody else could or would. God has shown me so many things about myself over the past four years. He's shown me just how strong I really am. He's shown me how much He loves me and how He believes I am beautiful, and I'm finally starting to believe that. So why do I abandon him? Why do I pretend like he's not there and try to ignore the longing I have in my heart to worship Him with all of my being? I just want to live fearless and unashamed. I want my life to be lived with Him shining through me and shining brighter than me.
I was feeling pretty heavy this morning. I got in my car and this song was on the radio. I've loved this song since the first time I heard it because I really do want to change the world. I really do want to sing his song, but I also know that revival HAS to start with me. I can't change anybody else. I can't be a witness to others when I'm not following God the way I want or should. I know this song was God's way of showing me He is still here with me. He has not left me. I know I will get through this, and I know with all my heart that there are brighter days ahead for me. I know God is preparing me for something, and I want to be ready.
If you're going through a hard time right now, I want you to know that you are NOT alone. Even if everybody else abandons you, God never will. He has promised that He will never leave us or turn His back on us. Cry out to Him. Reach for Him. He's there. He's just waiting for you to make the first move, and He will welcome you with open arms. Revival always has to start from within.