August 4, 2013

Reflections

I'm sitting here on my couch with Jabin laying beside me (since he refused to sleep in his own bed), and I'm just thinking about the past two months since getting back from Mexico.  God has really taken me on a journey in the past two months, and boy has it been a difficult one!  While in Mexico I felt God telling me to surrender everything, especially my son. That was a hard one to work through, but I finally did it. (I realize this is not a one time thing, but I think it gets easier the more you do it.)  Then, right after that I felt like God was calling me to go to this certain Bible college so I applied and did all the necessary things, and I waited and waited and waited. About the beginning of July I kinda figured it wasn't going to happen this fall since there was no way (in my mind) that I could come up with enough money in less than a month to pay for school even if I was accepted.  I guess it's a good thing I had decided on that because at the end of July, I finally got a response from the school.  I was not accepted.  I was kinda heartbroken over that, especially because of the reasoning they gave me.  It felt like a slap in my face. So, needless to say, that door was slammed shut in my face.  I'm still really disappointed and a little hurt, but I'm ok with it.  I just can't shake this feeling like God is telling me it's time to move on.  I've been feeling it for about a year now.  It's like God is telling me it's time to move away from here.  It seems like so many doors are shutting here for me.  I'm having an extremely hard time finding jobs that will pay my bills.  I have a job right now, but I'm not making nearly enough money to pay my bills.  I hate the feeling of not being able to provide for myself and my son. It kinda makes me feel like a failure.  I also feel really isolated here, and that's not because I don't have people to talk to because believe ME there are some wonderful people around here who would drop just about anything to just listen and show their support for me.  I'm talking about having NOBODY to hang out with.  The people my age around here are either married or partiers.  The people I talk to are mostly twice my age or older.  It's a lonely feeling.  Add to that, the fact that I am a single parent, and... well, anybody that has been there knows what that's like.
Before I go on let me recap for you a little of what God has taken me through in the past two months.... lol
  • surrendering all (especially my son)
  • God revealing to me how prideful I've been and being totally humbled by it
  • nearly getting stranded on my way back from Lincoln because my car was acting up
  • my car dying on me while stopped at a red light and not starting for another hour
  • having to rely on friends to help me about with above problem because all my family were gone
  • having Jabin scare the heck out of me because he was in so much pain (still don't know what caused that)
  • not being able to pay my bills
  • having my house broken into (it took me a couple weeks before I started staying at my house again. I just started spending the night here last week).
I could probably go on, but I want to mention a few positive things too.  I am so thankful for what God has revealed to me over the past couple months no matter how hard they've been.  I would like to say I've grown a lot over the last two months, but (lol) I feel like my head is still reeling.  In spite of all these hardships, there have been good.  I mentioned this in my last post about Jabin's appointment with his neurologist.  I was so thrilled to get such a good report from Jabin's doctor about his progress.  I knew God was going to do amazing things in his life, but it was so nice of God to just take the time to reassure me of that.  It was a much needed breath of fresh air.  The break in taught me that I cannot put my security in things or other people, but that my security needs to be in God.  The car problems... well... I'm not really sure.  Thankfully, my dad was able to change the fuel pump so now my car runs MUCH better.  He even changed my oil last night. The only major thing left on that is the manifold needing fixed.  Still waiting on the mechanic to become available to work on that.  My dad thinks maybe we can use some sort of stop leak to help with the leak so we're going to try that in the meantime.  I'm almost wondering if all these negative things were Satan's way of trying to steer me off course.  He's seen how I've been striving to get closer to God and do God's will, so he's trying as hard as he can to frustrate me and distract me, and I'll tell you, it's tempting to become distracted, but when I face these hard times, I turn to God.  I may not understand why these things are happening, but I know without the shadow of a doubt that things will get better for me.  God's still right there by my side even if I cannot feel Him or necessarily see Him.
Right now I am looking into the possibility of moving to a bigger town in Nebraska.  I've been looking for jobs in a couple different areas, and I kinda feel God leading to one specific town, but I want to make sure that it's really God's leading so... I have a prayer request.  Please be praying that I will have discernment as to what is from God and what is not and that I will follow God's leading and not be afraid. A lot of times I let my fear get in the way.  I don't want to do that. I was told twice today by two different people only a few minutes apart that maybe I just need to get moving and God will meet me there. (Better make that three people.  The pastor mentioned it in his sermon today too.)  God doesn't want us to just sit still and wait. Most of the time he calls us to move and then he'll make His move. It's so hard to take that first step though when you have no idea what will happen.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you; plans to give you hope and a future. Then, you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11-13  These verses have been my theme verses for the past few months, especially the last verse. My desire has just been to seek God with all my heart. It has not been easy, but it is totally worth it.