August 8, 2013

Seeking Him with all my heart

So.. I have to tell you that I've really been struggling lately.  I think I mentioned this in my last post, but... it's just been really hard for me. I think the worst thing ( even worse than feeling like a failure for not being able to support myself and my son) is not feeling close to God.  I have felt SO distant from Him for quite awhile now ( a few weeks or more). I've been trying to seek Him, but it has felt like nobody's there. Notice how I said FELT.  I KNOW God is right there beside me, probably carrying me through this difficult time, but for some reason, I just haven't felt it, and that is a horrible feeling. I guess sometimes (probably most of the time) God waits for us to get to our low point, to where we reach out for Him with all our being and just LONG for Him.  I think I hit that point tonight. I've just been so frustrated, trying as hard as I can to figure things out.  I've been trying to seek God, but I also haven't exactly been trusting Him. Go figure, right? So, anyway, I was listening to this song called "starts with me" (or something like that) by Tim Timmons. I can't tell you how this song has spoke to me. I FEEL the lyrics he is singing. I think listening to that song over and over again just helped me to just reach out for God with all my being, and I found Him.  I felt Him whispering to my soul that everything is going to be ok.  I have no idea HOW that's going to happen, but I know I just have to trust Him. For the first time in weeks, I actually felt God. I balled, still am, listening to this song. My longing is just to serve Him. I just want to do what He wants me to do.

So, anyway... I want to tell you something. Something else I've been struggling with.  So every year after getting back from missions trips our church allows the people who go on those missions trips to speak about their experiences at church.  I really struggled with whether or not to speak because I have really been going through a lot of uncomfortable growing times this summer since getting back from Mexico. Our associate pastor approached me one morning before/after church about speaking. I told him I wasn't sure if I was going to speak or not because I've really been struggling.  He told me that I should because people need to see that it's not always easy.  I agree with him on that. Anyway, we were supposed to speak a few weeks ago, but they ran out of time so the ones who went to Mexico didn't get to speak.  I had to work that Sunday so I wasn't even in church. I had kinda figured that would be my way out of having to speak. Boy was I wrong. I got home from work and my mom told me that they didn't even get to share because they ran out of time. I found that to be very odd. So anyway, we get our second chance to speak on Sunday, and I am STILL struggling with this.  I have no idea what to say, and I have no idea why God wants me to speak, but PLEASE pray for me.  It is going to be extremely difficult for me, and if I get through it without crying, it would be a miracle.  I want to be real with people, but it is SO hard because you leave yourself open to getting seriously hurt by people.  I experienced this last year when getting back from Mexico, but, thank God, those people are good friends now. :-)  I know there will be some people who won't understand and will judge me.  There usually are. I just don't want that to be my focus.  Pray that I will keep my focus where it needs to be: God using me to speak to others.  In reality, that's what I really want anyway.  If God can use my pain and sufferings to help other people, I say YES.  I hate to see people suffering. Anyway, thanks for reading this. I hope and pray that through my "realness" and babbling :-) people will be encouraged.  I just want you to know that NO MATTER WHAT God is there right beside you waiting for you to reach out to Him with all your heart, mind and soul.  God requires total surrender.That's it. It's SO hard, but TOTALLY rewarding. Have a good night.

Oh, you HAVE to listen to that song I mentioned about. I'm serious.