So I was going to start off this post as a woe is me sort of thing even though I had promised I wasn't going to complain anymore, but then I asked myself, "What do I have?" The first thing that popped into my mind was my son. This little boy makes me laugh, makes me feel loved and sometimes irritates the heck out of me, but I wouldn't trade him for anything. He is the reason I do what I do. I don't know where I'd be without him, and I hope I never have to find out. Then, I asked myself, "What else do I have?" Once again, something popped into my mind. I have my family. My incredible family who drives me crazy but loves me unconditionally and has helped me SO much that I could never repay them. They have picked me up when I couldn't do it myself. They have inserted in me words of wisdom and encouragement. They help me out even when they can't really afford it themselves. A third time I asked myself, "What else do I have?" I have friends who have helped me through the most excrutiatingly painful time of my life. Who have listened to me complain and heard and seen me cry, who have given me words of wisdom and encouragement to help me make it through another day. Friends who have "been there" themselves and give me assurance that it doesn't last forever and it does get better. Friends who love me for no reason at all. But what else do I have? Well, I have a home to live in, food in my belly, a car that runs (most of the time :-)), a job, a church that I love to go to... I'm sure there are many other things, but I think you get the point. I have a lot of things to be thankful for. I'm mostly thankful that I have a God who will never leave me nor forsake me, who is always there for me when I need Him. 2 Corinthians 4:7-9:
"7 But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 8 We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed"
I have been beaten down so much that I saw no way out yet... here I am, stronger than ever. Yes, I bleed and I cry when somebody stabs me in the back and spits in my face, but that is not a sign of weakness. That is a sign that I still care. In fact, sometimes I feel like I care TOO much. I get attached to people so easily that it makes it really hard to say goodbye. It's like losing somebody all over again, but I don't let go easily either. If you make your way into my heart, you will likely be there forever. I see it as a blessing and a curse that not many people understand. To be honest with you, I don't even understand it. I probably never will.
To some of you this probably sounds like crazy ramblings, but... there is a reason. I found out some news this morning that really threw me through a loop. To me, it is horrible news because I wonder how it will affect the one closest to me. At the same time, it also doesn't seem fair that one person cane be reaping benefits from completely disregarding anything good. I have tried hard to do what is right, and where does that leave me? Right where I started at the top of this page. I keep questioning why God has allowed this to happen. I still don't have my answer, and that is really hard for me, but I do know that some day I will understand. I'd better just pray that everything will be ok, and if it's not, I just hope God gives me the strength to pick up the pieces of another broken heart.
Please pray for this situation if you think about it.
Till next time...