Today has been a very difficult day for me. Very convicting day. I told you guys in my last post that I felt God was telling me to surrender my son to Him. Today I was blasted in the face once again with that feeling. It is painful. It hurts like crazy to think I may lose my son forever, but I think who am I to hold my son so closely when there are people all around the world losing everything they have to follow Christ? God commanded Abraham to sacrifice Isaac. Abraham could not understand why God called him to do that. Abraham knew that Isaac was supposed to be the son that would make him the father of many nations. Abraham figured maybe God would raise Isaac from the dead. I can relate to Abraham in a sense. I don't feel God calling me to kill my son, but I do feel like He is telling me it's time to give him up. That hurts because I have worked SO hard for at least the past two years to protect my son from... everything, basically. I have fought so hard for him. Now, God is saying "Give him up." I say "Why, God? I don't get it. I have fought so hard for him, and now you're telling me to just give him up." I understand now that over the past how many ever years I have not really sought God as to what He wanted me to do. I just went forward doing what I felt was the right thing to do, and I have to admit that I was very self-centered in what I did. I hurt a LOT of people in the process. Thankfully, some of those people have been able to forgive me but others have had a lot harder time in doing so.
I have always been the type of person that has been fearful of just about everything. I was afraid of being alone, afraid of water, heights, failing, etc. I have faced a lot of my fears over the past two years, and God has helped me and continues to help me overcome some of those fears (if I let Him). One of my biggest fears has been losing my son. It scares me to think that something bad might happen to him so, therefore, I have tried to control as much of his life as I possibly could. Some of you may say "well, that's your job. You're his mother." I agree that God gave me my son to protect him and help him grow, etc., but God also commands me to give everything to Him. That includes my son. Americans today don't seem to fully understand the sacrifices and costs that go along with following Jesus. I'm just now learning what those costs are. I never understood before the costs. God commanded His disciples to drop whatever they were doing, leave whoever they were with, pick up their crosses and follow Him. I used to be the type of person that kept everything, and I mean Everything. Old Sunday School papers, school papers, everything. Over the past ten years I have moved about a dozen times or so. Because I have moved so much I have learned to let go of stuff. Today, I barely have anything of my own. I'm ok with that. God has provided for me and will continue to provide for me. A harder thing for me to give up is my family. I have always been a family oriented person. My family have been the only ones to stay by me through everything, even if they don't like what I've done. I thank God for them. I also have a tendency to hold people in general to tightly. I get attached easily and it's hard for me to let them go. God has shown me over the past year how to do that though. He has shown me that it's ok to let people go. Sometimes we have to do that for God to really use us. It's not easy. It hurts, but it's worth it.
I have to tell you that I am a little nervous about what I have to do. Not only do I have to give up my son, but I also risk being shunned by some of the other people that I love the most. It makes me sad, but I know everything will be ok in the end.
I'm sorry for rambling on, but I wanted to make some things clearer. They're probably clear as mud, huh? That's what my dad would say anyway.