contemplation

I have been thinking a lot lately about all the wonderful and awesome things God has done for me and my family. He has not only done a miracle in my son's life (which is HUGE), but he has continuously provided for my family (which sometimes seems almost as huge).
God has been reminding me over and over lately how much I am worth to him. It's like everywhere I go, God reminds me how much he loves me and how valuable I am to him. He wants me to realize and truly believe what I am hearing. This may sound a little confusing, but some of you might understand what I am talking about. For the others, I will enlighten you a little.
From as far back as I can remember till I was in high school, I had somebody picking on me, making fun of me, calling me names, etc. After awhile you start believing what those people tell you. They made me feel like I was worthless and nobody wanted to be around me. Even long after the taunting stopped, I felt worthless.
God has been reminding me that I am a child of His, and He does not make junk. I am not worthless, I am extremely valuable. I am not trash because God does NOT make trash. God wants the best for me. Through the last couple months, I have come to truly believe what God says about me. People really DO like me and want to spend time with me. I am smart, loyal and can sing. I LOVE to sing.
Everybody is God's creation. We are NOT junk. God does not make junk. He made us in His image so we are not ugly cuz I just don't think it would be a good idea to call God ugly.... We are valuable. We each have talents and gifts that we should be using.
Right now I am taking classes on line to get my Bachelor's in Social Services. After I graduate, I plan on helping women and children who have been abused. This has been a passion of mine for quite awhile now. It hurts me deeply to see women and children abused when they have no reason to be abused. Maybe God has taken me through my difficult self-esteem times to help these people who have had all their positive self-esteem abused out of them. I can help them see just how much worth they really DO have so they feel like they can leave the relationship they are in. A lot of women that are abused, if not all, truly believe that they are not good enough for anything better than what they are getting. They truly believe they deserve the abuse they receive which is absolutely not true. It seems absurd for anybody who has not been abused to think anybody could really think that, but they really do. They need to know that they have a LOT of worth. I want to show them how much worth they have. I want them to truly believe they are more valuable than gold, more precious than rubies, etc. There is somebody that loves them far more than any other human ever could, and that love is unconditional. We can't do anything to EARN his love. He gave it to us before we were even born. All we have to do is accept it. We do not need to EARN anything from God, He freely gives.
Well, I think that's all the thoughts I have for now. I just wanted to share with you all how God has been working in my life lately. I hope some of you are inspired by this as well.

The Results

So.. we finally figured out what is going on with Jabin. He had his appointment with the neurologist today in Grand Island. The doctor discussed the results of the blood work and the MRI. It turns out that there IS something wrong in his brain. The doctor said that the myolin (fatty shield-type thing) that is supposed to cover his nerves in his brain isn't as thick as it should be. He explained it this way: Imagine a cable, like a television cable. You know how it has the rubber-ish coating on the outside? That coating is like the myolin covering the nerves in his brain. Imagine stripping that off. The cable will still work, but it won't work the way it is supposed to. That is the way his nerves are. Since he doesn't have that coating on his nerves, it is basically short-circuiting in the sense that not all the information that is supposed to go to the rest of his body is getting there. This is what is causing his problems with his muscles and also causing problems with him growing. The doctor said that this probably happened in the womb. Something happened that cause this. There isn't a whole lot we can do about it. He wants Jabin to have therapy at least twice a week. He said that Jabin may or may not ever be "normal". He said the best indicator of whether or not he will be normal is how he has been developing so far. So far he has been developing in steps. In other words, he will develop rapidly for a short while and then plateau out again for awhile. My cousin Amanda (who is a nurse) told me to give him a lot of fatty and high calorie foods. My Aunt Marvene and James reiterated that for me. It makes sense. The last time he developed by leaps and bounds was when the pediatrician had told us to give him PediaSure twice a day. He needs a whole lot of calories to develop. I am guessing probably twice as many as other children his age. I am going to talk to Jon Paul and see what he thinks. I am really hoping and praying that by giving him a lot more calories and fat, he will not only grow like he is supposed to, but he will also start developing the way he is supposed to. I have no doubt that he is very smart, but his body is not doing what it is supposed to. The good thing is that this does not appear to be a genetic thing. (Praise God!)
I would really appreciate it if you would pray for Jon Paul and I in the next couple weeks as we adjust to this news and try to do as much as we can. I am really praying that if and when we put him on this high calorie diet it will work. I am still trying to work through this information. I knew something was wrong, and I wanted to know what it was. I am glad I know. It is just hard imagining my son never "normal". I am asking God for guidance and peace. I want to make sure that I am doing as much as I can for Jabin. Whatever that means. I would appreciate it if you would pray the same thing for me. Thank you to all of you who have already been praying. I appreciate it very much. It means a lot to me.