I have been having a hard time with
relationships lately. I find myself feeling guilty a lot about
things I've said or done, and the hardest part for me is knowing
whether or not I've really done anything wrong. It's easy to figure
out when you've said something hurtful (most of the time), and I
usually feel convicted when I say something like that and feel bad
until I apologize. But there are also times when I feel bad about
doing or saying something that just doesn't really seem wrong, and I
can't get past the guilty feeling. Satan has made me feel bad for
basically being me and for wanting friendships with people that could
very well be valuable to me. He has been bringing up a lot of my
insecurities again too which is really frustrating because my initial
reaction then is to withdraw and isolate myself.... which is what I
have been doing. I have found myself shutting down, even when I am
talking to people that I really love, simply because I am afraid of
getting hurt. I take everything personally when I shouldn't, and
that just feeds on my insecurities. I have found myself thinking
lately that I thought it was easier when I was going through a really
difficult time than it is now to talk to people and to trust them
because what did I have to lose then?
I find myself really frustrated because
I have nobody to hang out with, nobody to talk to face to face and
share my heart and my struggles with. I have nobody to hold me
accountable and nobody who confides in me (which may or may not be
true). I guess I have just been longing for something that I may
never have in another human being.
Jesus said, “Come to me, all you who
are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon
you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you
will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is
light.” (Matthew 11:28-30)
I like these verses, but.... how do you
get past a desire that just seems to keep burning inside of you? It
is so hard, and it makes me wonder if that desire is supposed to go
away. I've prayed and prayed and prayed and it's still there. I
guess it's those times when you really have to trust God and wait on
His timing. If you are going through this same thing, I want you to
know that you are not alone. I struggle with this very thing a lot.
I trust God in my head, but it is so hard to trust Him in my heart
sometimes.
Father, I do not understand sometimes
where these desires inside my heart come from. I do not know if they
come from You or if they are just my flesh trying to weigh me down.
Give me and others going through the same thing discernment and
guidance, Lord, and if these desires are not from You, I pray that
You would remove them from my heart and from the hearts of others. I
pray that my words will bring comfort to others who are struggling
with the same thing. In Jesus' Name. Amen
After writing this, a lady from my church sent me a message inviting me to a Women's Study and fellowship on Tuesday nights. I am amazed at how quickly God works when we reach out for help. Please be in prayer for me that this fellowship will be just what I need, and I really want to thank those of you who have read these blogs I post and have walked beside me on this journey called life. I am very thankful to God for the friendships and relationships He has brought into my life.
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